Descent into Despair
by ConcoctionMaster
Summary: How does a woman, who is completely repulsed by the mere concept of sex, cope with her sudden and invasive condition?


A/N: So i've always wanted to write a bleach fanfic with Aizen. The man is so freaking cool (and not just because he's good looking). Though this is M-rated, and the nature of this story is quite explicit, there will be no overly explicit sexual themes (i'm not one to write those kinds of things). Also on my profile page i say i update at least once a week, but life does get hectic sometimes so if I happen not to update in a while, rest assured, this will get done. Anyway enjoy and do stick around until the end.

* * *

_Descent into Despair_

_one_

No…no, no, no, oh god no, this can't be happening, of all the fucking times it has to happen now! Don't panic, it'll be okay, deep breathes, keep still, keep legs close together, closer, closer, better.

It's alright, it'll be okay. As long as he doesn't ask any questions, it'll be okay; just keep your mouth shut. Dammit, I'm already sweating. Don't panic, keep your nerves in check. It's almost over, it's almost over.

Oh no, my mouth is salivating, no, no, don't shudder, it'll be okay, just get through this.

"Malika-chan, are you feeling well?" my taichou, Jushiro Ukitake, queries with concern evident in his emerald eyes. Dammit, I have to talk! Please don't let this come out wrong.

"I…I'm fine taichou, just a little tired." And I hate lying to him but even I don't completely understand what's wrong with me. And it's not something I'm willing to share with anybody.

"Here, take this to Kiyone-san," he hands me a tan document folder thick with paper,

"And take the rest of the day off."

"What? No, taichou, don't be ridiculous, you need me here. I'll come back as soon as-" his firm tone told me otherwise,

"-you work too hard, rest, and come back tomorrow morning." He says and smiles at the end. Such a warm, sweet smile upon a handsome face, upon a handsome body-NO! no, no, no! Don't think about it! Just go, now is **not** the time to be stubborn.

"Thank you sir." And I hastily leave his office, rushing around the thirteenth division barracks to get this damn document out my hands. The running isn't what has my heart beating a hundred miles an hour. It's this condition, this non-existent parasite that has invaded me a few months ago.

It began as an itch, then this intense yearning, then this overwhelming need to fulfill this yearning. I had visited the staff in the fourth division, known for their capable abilities in healing.

They all told me the same thing, even the taichou, and I didn't actually try their recommendation until it became too unbearable not to. I spot Kiyone Kotetsu, co-third seat of our division, run up to her, force the folder into her hands, and take off in the opposite direction. I didn't think I'd make it to my room, but when I finally did, I made sure to lock the main door, and hurry to the bathroom, rummaging through the cabinet under the sink for a specific item.

Once in hand I glare at it, which I do every time I have to use it. My hands are trembling now, sweat sleeks down my forehead, chest, and the most embarrassing area of all. When Rangiku Matsumoto, my foolish friend, gave it to me for my birthday last year I thought I'd never use it-since the mere concept of its intentions repulse me.

I sit on the floor, as my body begins to hum with the need of immediate stimulation. I hate using this thing. Not only do I hate it, but, lately, it's not enough anymore. Sighing jadedly I remove my shihakusho; my legs shiver in anticipation.

It'll be okay, it'll be okay, it'll be okay, I chant to myself as I urge my hand to bring the device closer between my thighs.

"It'll be okay." I failingly assure myself. I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack, yet my anatomy, the traitor, contradicts this. With a deep breath I plunge the item into me.

* * *

"Hey…you feelin' okay Malika, you look like shit." Rangiku says with her usual raw words. And its true, I do feel like shit, but she didn't have to say it.

"I'm alright. Just, uh, a little sick."

"You look more than sick. Hmm…you should spoil yourself more, stop workin' so hard."

"Easy for you to say, miss lazy."

"What! I'm not lazy, I just know how to relax."

"Yeah, call it whatever you want." And I bite of another piece of dark chocolate from the bar in my grasp. We sit on the rooftop of the tenth division's lounge area. I couldn't stop thinking about how I used that device five freaking times and still didn't reach any kind of peak. It's becoming harder to quench this compulsive need.

"Seriously," Rangiku begins,

"If something is botherin' you, you know you can tell me, right?" as much as I want to confide in her I just don't have the courage. It's too disgusting and disgraceful.

"Yeah, I know. My breaks almost over, I need to get back to taichou."

* * *

"Oh, thank goodness Malika-chan you are here. My hands are so weak right now, I cannot tie my sash, please, do so for me." Ukitake pleads and I have to clench my teeth to keep from screaming at him.

Goddammit taichou!

Why the hell did you take your top off!

Don't you realize what you've done!

Now my body is trembling once more!

My eyes have never taken in so much detail, especially regarding the male form. They could see all the little beads of water rolling along taichou's bare slim, though toned, chest, back, biceps, and abdomen. I can't even blame him. Due to his ill condition, his body, often, overheats, and it was my suggestion to remove layers of clothing to cool him.

Damn my compassion to hell.

"Of course, taichou," I say, and swiftly go to his side. I have to bite my lip as I slip back on the fabric; whenever my fingers brush his smooth, pale, skin it takes all of my concentration not to shudder. Once the sash is rewrapped and secured around his waist I hurry to the other side of the table that would separate us.

"Thank you so much. Here, have a lollipop." And he hands me another tootsiepop, some kind of chocolate, candy, pop from the realm of the living. I still haven't figured out how the hell he gets a hold of these. I thank him and remove the wrap from the ball of sweetness, sticking it in my mouth and finding, somewhat, relief. These things, sometimes, distract me from my condition.

"Kiyone-san and Sentarou-san have taken care of the current registration forms for the incoming souls. We are going to visit Shunsui and Nanao-san, receive their forms, and proceed to the twelfth division."

This is an assignment we don't have to do; matter of fact, it's mainly the twelfth division and eighth division's responsibility to handle all registrations of souls from the living realm. But, ever since Rukia Kuchiki went missing, taichou has desperately been seeking for her. He is becoming more restless with every week she is not found-and she's been missing for almost two months.

I can tell he hasn't been sleeping; though he has this sturdy leader façade, underneath he is frantic of the absence of his comrade. For all we know, she could be dead. A Shinigami's form can only last so long in the living realm, which is why our missions within the dimension last a month at time.

"We'll find her taichou," he stares at me for a moment. He remains silent as we leave the office and head to the eight division barracks.

* * *

"My, my. How long has it been since I've seen lil' Malika-chan." Shunsui Kyoraku, taichou of the eighth division, says and immediately attempts to cup my cheeks with his big, hairy, hands. I smack them away and stand close to my taichou.

"Oh, don't be so shy darling. You make me seem like some kind of pervert."

"Is that not your true nature?" Nanao Ise comments as she walks into the room. He ignores her insult.

"How have you been faring?" he asks me,

"I've had better days." I say.

"Don't look so down sweetheart. Here, have some chocolate. Whenever lil'Nanao feels down this always perks her up."

What is up with these old men giving me candy? It'd be rude of me not to accept so I gratefully take the bar from him, peeling away the layer of paper surrounding it, and break off a piece popping it into my mouth. As I chew I feel a rush of liquid slip along my tongue and down my throat.

It tastes awfully strong…

"There's liq-" a meaty hand quickly covers my mouth. I glare into grey eyes and grimace upon viewing a sneaky expression. He's been slipping Nanao liquor filled chocolate-what I want to know is if she realizes this. If he was actually a pervert I'd be disturbed and definitely snitch on him, but, despite his womanizing ways, he is quite respectful of his female comrades.

"Is it good, Malika-chan?" my taichou queries as he eyes the chocolate.

"I'm not sharing." I say and hide the bar within my long sleeve.

"I have the files here, Ukitake-taichou." Nanao says and hands him the manila folder.

"Thank you."

"Why don't you two stay a while? I feel like its been ages since you and me have had a drink, Jushiro." Shunsui offers.

"Not this time my friend." Taichou replies and motions for me to follow him out the door.

"By Nanao." I say,

"You'll be at the meeting tomorrow, right?" she says sternly. I bite my lower lip; I do not want to go the women's association meeting-mostly because they rarely ever talk about important things, and the president of the club is a bubbly, irresponsible, child (how did she even get the damn position?). Usually I showed up anyway, but, as this condition continued to worsen, I've missed two meets. The fact that Nanao brings this up means I have no choice but to go, otherwise I'd be seeing a lot of her.

"Yeah I'll be there."

* * *

"Promise me something," Taichou suddenly conveys. We are on our way to the twelfth division barracks to drop off the files.

"Um…okay."

"You try to hide it, but I know you are struggling Malika-chan. I do not have the right to probe you, however, I need you to promise me, that you will talk with me whenever you are ready to. It is deadly to fight demons alone, it is alright to confide in your comrades."

"…I promise."

* * *

He let me off early again. And due to my life revolving around serving the consistently busy thirteenth division, having nothing to do is quite rare. As I was walking along the barracks corridors, the urge pulses within me. a rush of blood flows downwards to my nether regions. My legs tremble, my heart paces faster, sweat forms on my forehead.

"Oh shit."

"Is something wrong, Malika?" no…no, no, no, I know that voice. It can't freaking be him! My eyes stare straight ahead, locking on to the honey brown eyes I've been so fond of for so long.

"Ai-Aizen-taichou, wh-wh-what a surprise! What brings you here?" it is him! Why do you hate me God!

"I am here to see your taichou…but you have not answered my question?" oh fuck…I don't know what to say! I don't want to be rude, especially to the guy I've had a crush on since a hundred and twenty years ago.

"Oh, uh…I'm fine, I just need some rest. Bye." And I try to rush past him but he grabs my wrist.

"You are shivering, do you have a cold?" please stop touching me! you don't understand how that affects me!

"No, uh…" a gentle hand is placed on my forehead. I can feel my cheeks burning, the area below my navel is becoming increasingly sensitive.  
"Hmmm…Come by my office at sundown, I have something that will help you."

"Alright, thanks, bye." And the second he lets go of my hand I take off.


End file.
